Is divorce the right solution?
is divorce the right solutionNew alarming statistics on divorces are processed every year. There are about 30 thousands divorces per year according to Czech Statistical Office. Even more, Czech Republic is one of the countries where number of divorces is almost equal to the weddings. Why do we divorce so much? Everyone longs for harmony and deep bounds with somebody, but on the other hand our nature is to be independent and free to decide for ourselves. We tend to exchange freedom for love and intimacy in the beginning of a relationship. With longer suppression of this necessity we start to feel frustrated wishing to be able to take our own decisions again. There should be a certain equilibrium which would keep both partners equal in marriage. If it is disrupted, conflicts emerge and they tend to escalate. Usually when the marriage problems are in a downwards spiral which cannot be inverted, the divorce is on the table.Which behavior indicates that the relationship is over?
  • Exhaustion or one-way investment into the relationship.
Marriage is usually built on concrete grounds of mutual respect and acknowledge that each one can rely on the other. You can imagine marriage as a jar which is filled with things which each partner do for the other. On crises, they can withdraw from the jar for some time. If the jar is not filled back in, or is filled in only from one partner, the relationship will start cracking apart and hostility will find its way between the two. If the jar will finally get empty, divorce will knock on the door.
  • If spouses start think about each other only in negative way.
Partners tend to focus on positive things and overlook the negative ones in the beginning of a relationship. But with the time both partners will start realizing details which did not have a matter before. From the little habits which could be seen before as impressive are now toxic flaws which drive them crazy. Instead of saying to themselves that today is not a good day they blame each other. One of the most common signs of upcoming divorce is lack of respect for the partner.
  • Problems are permanent.
Problems which are unpleasant but temporary can become permanent and partners can stop believing in their resolution during the marriage. These problems can be: cheating repeatedly, bad money handling, alcohol abuse, unreliability and more. Instead of short stress they bring a long term frustration, helplessness and depression. If the spouses stop believing that they can be happy again in the matrimony, there is probably only a way out of it.
  • Arguments become insoluble.
Arguments are normal part of a relationship. The problem comes out when they become the only communication between partners and do not resolve any issues. They are exactly the ones which never lead anywhere, they do not lead to reconciliation or release only to frustration, silence or tears. Instead of cleaning the air they build walls between partners. Avoiding any conflict with silence can be as destructive.
  • Children start to suffer.
When children start to suffer with hostility, aggression or fights of their parents, it is time to discuss divorce. If children see their parents struggle all the time, the emotion of fear, insecurity or sadness will overwhelm them. They do not know how to handle these feelings and often blame themselves as cause of the problems. Also parents who fight all the time cannot fill basic exigencies of their children. The most important are the feeling of safety and love. This experience can leave scars for the rest of their lives.

What to do next?

The most important question you have to ask is: “Did I do everything I could have done to save my marriage?”
  • On which level are you able to communicate with your partner, compromise and enjoy your free time?
  • Are you wasting your energy for resolving everyday problems or worrying about your future all the time and cannot focus on anything else?
  • Did you and your partner try to visit a therapist for couples?
  • Do you both know which problems are destroying your marriage?
Once you start thinking about divorce it is important to keep your emotions under control. You should rather focus on real problems so you won’t be feeling sorry later for wrong decisions. It is also possible to get advise from your close ones. But do not let them decide for you. Nobody can understand how YOU feel in the relationship and your partner can behave differently in front of other people and behind closed doors. If your partner does not know about your decision be prepared that the reaction may be very emotional. Even people who know that everything is not all right in the relationship they are usually surprised and devastated. Give your partner enough time to be able to go thru all the phases of coping with the situation, be open to discussions which may be long and exhausting and try to understand your partner’s reactions. Fast solution may not be the right one. If you have children, you should protect them with calm and unambiguous behavior and continuous proceeding ahead.